Despair and Hope
by beakanoma
Summary: Seth and Ryan watch a Disney movie together at two very different points in their lives. SethRyan SLASH, plus some SPOILERS up to the Season 3 finale mostly the very important thing that happens in said finale .


**Title:** Despair and Hope  
**Author:** kevo  
**Disclaimer:** If I was The Schwartz, we would not be waiting until _frelling November_ for new episodes. But we are, so obviously I am not, and all this stuff is not mine.  
**Pairing:** Seth/Ryan  
**Rating:** PG  
**Word count:** 5,047  
**Spoilers:** Kind of all, but more heavily Season One up to episode 08, "The Rescue" and then the _very_ end (you all know what I mean) of Season Three.  
**Summary:** The boys watch a Disney movie at two very different points in their lives.  
**Author's Note:** This was for a quote challenge on theocslash livejournal community. when I heard my quote, my mind immediately jumped to this movie, which is why it's a major part of this fic. hope you like it.

My quote:

26. Just as despair can come to one only from other human beings, hope too, can be given to one only by other human beings - _Elie Wiesel_

_Despair…_

"Let's go, man," Seth urged as he lounged lazily on his bed. "We haven't got all night. Well, we do, actually, but if you take that much time, there won't be any left to watch any movies, and that would really suck, so hurry up!"

"**You** said I could pick," Ryan shot back. "Don't rush my process of deduction."

"You don't have a process of deduction," Seth grumbled, leafing through the same comic he'd already read five times.

It was one of the last nights before school started and Marissa and Summer were doing some back to school shopping, so the boys – okay, mainly Seth – decided they should have their own movie night. Seth, being in a generous, giving mood, had decided to let Ryan choose. You would have thought he had been asked to pick only one movie to watch for the rest of his life from the amount of time he was taking to make a decision. He kept pulling out DVDs from Seth's collection, looking at their cover, then reading the back for about a million years before putting them back on the shelf and taking out another. Seth was highly tempted to revoke the DVD picking privilege. To be honest, he was a little nervous about letting Ryan pick anyway. Their friendship was still new, and he was afraid Ryan might do something stupid like pick Star Wars, Episode One and ruin Seth's perception of him entirely.

"What's this one?"

Seth looked up from his comic to see what the other boy was referring to. Ryan was looking curiously at a DVD with no cover.

"Uh, it's nothing," Seth said, trying to appear casual.

That was difficult to do, considering it was a lie. That DVD was definitely a something, which dated back a long time, before Seth ever met Ryan.

_I **so** should have revoked his picking privileges,_ Seth thought woefully as he contemplated what was in that DVD case.

When Seth turned eight years old, his parents decided to throw him an awesome party. The kind of party most kids dream of, with stuff like a cotton candy machine and a moon bounce and a caricaturist and a clown that was surprisingly uncreepy, though his balloon animals turned out to be pretty lame. Looking back, the whole thing was kind of cheesy, but then again, everything is cheesy when you're a little kid. The point was that it was going to be huge. So huge, in fact, that his entire second grade class was invited. Seth was thrilled. For weeks beforehand, all he could talk about was the party. Sandy tried to jokingly threaten Seth that if he didn't stop talking about it so much the party would be cancelled, but all that got him was a crying child and an angry wife who banished him to the couch for a night as punishment.

Finally, the big day arrived. Seth was practically bursting with energy, he was so excited. The party began at three. When an hour passed and no one had shown up, a lot of the bounce had gone out of Seth's step. Still, his mother reminded him, some of the kids could just be running late. By seven o'clock, Seth had given up on the hope that anyone would be coming. However, it wasn't until he overheard the clown telling the caricaturist what a loser he must be to have no one show up at his birthday party that Seth finally broke. He did his best to hold himself together while lying to his mother about not feeling well and quickly bolted up to his room before she could stop him. Seth slammed the door behind him and cried hard into his pillow for an hour and a half. Around nine Kirsten came in to check on him, but Seth didn't really feel like being comforted by his mother after such a tragic blow to his ego, so he pretended to be asleep.

The next day when Seth came down for breakfast, Kirsten had a surprise waiting for him. She felt so terrible about what happened that she wanted to try and make it up to him, and she did so by going out and buying a compilation of Disney movies for them to watch together. At first Seth was reluctant, but by the time they were into their third movie he found that he was actually glad to be curled up on the couch having a movie marathon with his mom. To his surprise, it really did make him feel better.

They watched a number of movies that day, but Seth's favorite, by far, was Beauty and the Beast.

After they finished their last movie of the day and his mom sent him up to bed, he snuck Beauty and the Beast up to his room with him and watched it twice, falling asleep during the second time. After that, Seth watched it at least once a day, more when the day had been particularly bad. Within a week, he could recite the entire opening monologue from memory. He watched it so often that eventually the tape wore out. The three days it took his dad to buy another tape were like torture without it. After Seth got the new one, his mother forced him to watch in moderation because, while they could in fact afford more than a hundred new tapes, she insisted it was "unhealthy" to watch a movie so many times that it broke. Well, unhealthy was Grandpa Caleb's word, not Kirsten's. He also had a few other words that he used to describe his grandson watching a romantic Disney cartoon over and over, like "fruity" and "queer" but Kirsten and Sandy did their best to make sure Seth never heard these adjectives. He did sometimes though. That's why Seth decided not to watch it when Grandpa Caleb was over anymore.

Seth didn't quite know what it was exactly that he couldn't get enough of from the movie. He related to it in a way that he didn't with any of the others he and his mom watched that day. He didn't want to stay a little boy forever like Peter Pan. He wasn't forced to do manual labor like Cinderella. He didn't want to change himself like Ariel. And he certainly wasn't trying to avenge his father's death like Simba.

No, Seth was a misfit, an outcast. He felt it in the weird look Marissa Cooper gave him for drawing a horse with a cape; he was like Belle, imaginative and misunderstood. He felt it when Luke Ward would knock him down on the playground and shove fistfuls of sand down his pants; he was like the Beast, a freak who was persecuted for being different.

Plus there was that whole thing where his only friends were servants and inanimate objects.

The obsession with the movie continued on into his teenage years, though the viewings became less frequent. That is, until Disney decided to re-release Beauty and the Beast in IMAX theaters. It filled Seth with the same geek joy he'd felt when the original Star Wars films had been re-released years earlier. Like with the Star Wars films, it was amazing to finally see the movie on the big screen, plus with new clarity and the added sequence. It completely relit his love of the film. He saw it six times in theaters: once with both parents, twice with Kirsten, once with Sandy, and twice by himself.

The day it was released on DVD, Seth skateboarded to the store alone so he could buy it without having to ask his parents and have to feel ridiculous for asking for a Disney movie when he was in high school. Of course, he didn't think through that it would be even more embarrassing walking up to the register with it himself, and he ended up making up a lame story for the lady behind the counter about it being for his little sister. This somehow led to him having it gift wrapped in My Little Pony wrapping paper. Because buying a Disney movie for yourself when you're a fourteen year old boy isn't emasculating enough, you really want to have to sneak it into the house wrapped in paper with colorful ponies all over it.

Afraid that, in the unlikely event that anyone other than his parents would come into his room, someone would see the DVD on his shelf and think he was an even bigger geek than they already did, Seth got rid of the cover so that it wouldn't so conspicuous that he owned a Disney movie. So far the plan had worked.

That is, until Ryan came along and shot it all to hell. Now Seth almost wished he hadn't made Ryan as a friend at all.

Almost.

For a long time, Seth had held onto the hope that someone would come along for him, just like Belle did for the Beast. Someone who would just **get** him and wouldn't think he was geeky or weird; someone who would love him, for who he was. About halfway through ninth grade, Seth finally gave up. Like the Beast, he fell into despair, and lost all hope. For who would ever want to be around a freak like him?

Less than a year later, he met Ryan.

Seth didn't really let himself believe that Ryan might be the one he had been waiting for until the troubled teen took on nearly half the water polo team for him. Before then he couldn't be sure if Ryan was hanging out with him because he actually wanted to or as a favor to Sandy for getting him out of juvie. Any doubts about Ryan were quickly erased when he came running to Seth's aid while two burly jocks had him dangling by his ankles. He was like the Beast coming to save Belle from the wolves even though she ran away, only this was **real**. No one had ever defended Seth before that night.

Then his mom sent Ryan away, because he was too "dangerous" or whatever. But Ryan came back. Just like Belle. Except that Ryan definitely wasn't Belle in this scenario. Ryan was definitely, absolutely the Beast. He was slightly awkward when out of his element and fearsome when angered, yet kind and gentle beneath the surface. Seth looked right through the gruff exterior and saw the true Ryan underneath, the Ryan that was friends with Seth in spite of his geeky tendencies.

Now here they were, weeks later, in Seth's bedroom, with Ryan holding in his hands Seth's second biggest secret.

"It can't be nothing," Ryan contended. "What is it?"

"Really, it's nothing," he said, trying to look as indifferent as he could while diving across his bed to grab the DVD out of Ryan's hands. But Ryan was too quick for him, and pulled back out of Seth's reach.

"What is it, porn?" Ryan laughed.

"No," Seth replied tersely. "Look, please, just pick another – "

But it was too late. Ryan had already popped the case open, and was looking at the two discs of the Special Edition DVD.

"Oh," was all he said.

"Yeah, okay," Seth sighed. "I'm busted. I own a Disney movie. Commence with the mockery."

"Who's mocking?" Ryan answered. "I think it's great."

Seth stared.

"For real?" Seth asked. "You don't think it's at all minty?"

"No way," Ryan insisted. "I love this movie. It's one of the only movies we actually owned back home. I watched it all the time until my dad broke the VCR when I was eleven. Can we watch this?"

"Yeah!" Seth said, a little too enthusiastically.

He put the disc into his DVD player and sat next to Ryan on his bed. He misjudged the distance and ended up pressed against Ryan's side a bit. Ryan made no complaints, so Seth stayed where he was, intensely aware of every point where their bodies were making physical contact.

That was sort of Seth's first biggest secret. He'd developed what he called "a bit of a man-crush" on Ryan. He blamed it on the fact that Ryan was his first real friend, and tried to ignore the sexual aspects of it, because Ryan was Mr. Macho Guy and definitely not interested in Seth for any reason other than to be his friend. Unfortunately, he couldn't explain that to his body, which felt electrified having Ryan's body pressed tightly to his own.

As it turned out, Ryan had not seen the Special Edition re-released version of the film, which was both bogus and sad. Seth immediately demanded that they watch it. The Walt Disney Pictures logo played on the screen and the prologue began. Seth did his best not to speak the words along with the narrator.

It had been a long time since Seth watched the movie, about … three months, maybe four? It was the day the water polo team took turns peeing in his shoes. Seth had tried giving up the movie for good when he'd given up on finding a friend, but it was like cigarettes to him, and after a day like that he definitely needed a drag.

If someone had told him then the next time he would watch this would be with his best friend, it would probably have made the whole shoe pee thing seem a lot more insignificant.

Being the paranoid freak that he was, Seth wondered if Ryan actually wanted to watch the movie or just being a good sport. He glanced over to try and gauge the other boy's reaction. To his surprise, Ryan was mouthing the words along with the prologue. He turned and saw Seth watching him, then, embarrassed, smiled sheepishly.

Seth smiled too, and turned back to the movie.

He couldn't tell whether being friends with Ryan meant he would need to watch Beauty and the Beast more or less from now on, but Seth definitely knew it was worth finding out.

_…and Hope_

Ryan stared blankly at the shelf of DVDs in front of him, trying to decide which one he and Seth should watch. He practically had Seth's collection memorized by now, but it was still difficult figuring out which to choose.

It had been a month since Marissa died. And although time had passed, Ryan still kept reliving the accident. He could still hear the tires scream, feel the heat from the fire, smell the gasoline and burning rubber. He could still feel her in his arms, slowly going limp as the last traces of life fled from her body.

Part of him always knew something like this was bound to happen. Marissa had dodged too many bullets in just the few years he'd known her, and that went literally for the experience with Oliver. She had OD'd, drove drunk, was nearly raped, and those were just a few of the highlights.

Even when she tried, giving up booze and making peace with her mother, Marissa could never really escape drama. It followed her like a shadow that, no matter how bright her world became, would always be there. A girl like her was destined for a violent end. At least this wasn't her fault. There was some small comfort in that; better a car accident than an overdose. And even though Ryan wished he hadn't had to witness it, he was glad he could be there for her. That she didn't have to die alone.

Still, he couldn't shake the horrific events of that night. They consumed every spare moment his mind had. He would see it all, and torture himself with wondering what he could have done differently. Unless he was being distracted by something right in front of him, the scene would play over and over and over.

That's where Seth came in handy. As soon as Ryan came home from making his statement at the police station that night, Seth began tailing him everywhere he went. Whenever he thought Ryan was getting too quiet and his eyes were too unfocused, Seth would pat him on the arm and start babbling on about comics and the like. The only place Ryan could get any privacy was the bathroom, and even then Seth usually stood outside the door, waiting, complaining that Ryan took too long to pee, and what was that about, did he have a bladder infection or something, because they should probably get that checked out, those can turn really heinous, not that Seth knew first hand, he just assumed, and wow, first hand was a weird phrase to use while Ryan was doing what he was doing.

Ryan could remember last year when Seth tried doing something similar to keep his mind off of Lindsay's departure and their sudden ensuing breakup. Then Ryan had reacted badly, snapping at Seth and insisting on being left alone. This time, Ryan embraced it. Not openly, of course, because openly embracing anything Seth does just encourages him to do more. And that's a bad idea. But when Seth saw Ryan pacing in the pool house late into the night and came in for a spontaneous video game tournament, or sat down and started talking when Ryan was spacing out on the couch, Ryan let him. It was a welcome distraction from the gruesome slideshow in his head.

Tonight Seth was distracting him with a movie night. While he hunted for and gathered some snacks in the kitchen, Ryan was left with the responsibility of choosing something to watch.

Easier said than done.

There was the whole Star Wars oeuvre to choose from (except, of course, Episode One, which was forbidden, as Ryan had learned the hard way), or the Lord of the Rings trilogy, but Ryan didn't think he had the energy to do such an exhausting marathon, and Seth rarely watched any one without the other two. Maybe something with more of a superhero theme…. Then, toward the back of the shelf, he found a DVD case without a cover on it. He pulled it out, realizing exactly what it was.

Beauty and the Beast.

Ryan stared at the coverless DVD case in his hands. It felt like such a long time ago that he and Seth had watched it together. It **was** a long time ago, almost three years.

It was the first time Seth had let Ryan pick the movie for them to watch. Knowing how particular Seth was about his movies, Ryan was overwhelmed by the gesture. He was also nervous about picking the wrong movie, so much that he ended up taking forever to do so. Then when he finally ended up picking out Beauty and the Beast, he was delighted that Seth approved so wholeheartedly.

They lay in Seth's bed watching all three versions of the movie in a row that night. As Ryan was, in Seth's words, a "novice" for not having seen them all before, the other boy insisted on it. Had it been anyone else, or any other movie, Ryan would have refused. But it was Seth, and it was Ryan's favorite childhood movie, so he went along. He was able to stay up through all three, but Seth fell asleep halfway through the third one, the work-in-progress version. Ryan liked that one, with the rough sketches and eraser marks in the unfinished frames. They reminded him of blue prints, and it was interesting to see a film in that way.

It was somewhere between Belle leaving the Beast for the second time and Gaston rounding up the vengeful mob that Seth rolled over in his sleep. Seth landed on top of him, straddling Ryan's right leg with his head on Ryan's chest. In a moment of panic, Ryan had wondered if Seth was really awake and just testing his reaction to another boy making such advances, sort of like Eddie did that one time when they were twelve. But Seth wasn't like that though. Seth would never trick Ryan into revealing he liked guys too by saying he did first, or use Ryan the way Eddie did, the way no twelve year old should know how to use another.

Feeling bold, and confident that Seth was fast asleep, Ryan slowly, gently, brought his hand up to rest on the other boy's back. Seth didn't stir, except to snuggle deeper into Ryan's chest. Ryan breathed.

It was kind of weird, holding Seth. The closest they'd ever come to something like it was when Seth hugged Ryan goodbye the morning Sandy brought him back to Chino. This was different; more intimate, and definitely more one-sided. Seth felt much better in his arms than Marissa ever did. Seth was skinny, but Marissa was bony. With her it was like he was trying to hug a skeleton covered in tight skin. With Seth it was just … **Seth**.

Thinking about that night, and the comparison he'd made between his then maybe sort of girlfriend and his still best friend-slash-kind of brother, sent his mind rocketing back to Marissa. She was alive then. And she wasn't now. He felt a ridiculous pang of guilt for not being with her that night, with the hindsight he now possessed about how few she had left.

Not that he regretted being with Seth, ever. But he still had Seth. If he was lucky, he always would. Marissa, on the other hand – she was gone. Images from that night, the empty stretch of road, the flaming car, Marissa gasping for air, all began to surface in Ryan's mind.

As if taking his cue from Ryan's thoughts, Seth came in at that moment with an armful of snacks. He attempted a smile when he saw the DVD Ryan was holding.

"Remember when we watched that?" he asked.

Ryan nodded.

Oh, yes. He remembered.

"Do you think we could…."

Ryan hesitated to ask. He knew Seth would never judge him, not for this, and especially not right now. But he felt that asking would make him look … childish? Maybe? Weak. That was a better word. It made him feel weak that he had to revert back to the stage of Disney movies to dull the pain, to stop seeing Marissa Cooper's dead body. He didn't want to feel weak, much less look it, least of all in front of Seth. Between the two of them, Ryan was supposed to be the strong one.

Dropping the snacks on the bed, Seth sat down beside Ryan. He pulled the case out of the boy's hands and said, "Do you want to watch it?"

"Would you mind?" Ryan asked.

"Are you kidding?" Seth shot back, with the most joy Ryan had seen on his face in weeks. "I haven't watched this in, like, a million years, man. Haven't really needed to, you know?"

Ryan didn't know, but he nodded along like he did with most things Seth said.

After sliding the disc into the DVD player, Seth plopped down on his bed next to Ryan. Not as close as last time, when he was pressed close to Ryan's side. There were a few inches of space left between them. Ryan wished Seth would move closer. He could use the distraction.

Ryan sat through the opening monologue and following musical sequence, thoughts alternating between Marissa, the proximity of Seth's body to his, and actually trying to pay attention to the movie. He couldn't shake the feeling that Belle reminded him of someone. Sure, she was a cartoon, but her features were unmistakably familiar: the long neck, the facial features, both soft and sharp at the same time, the large doe-eyes…. She almost looked like Marissa

It was crazy, Ryan knew. The resemblance was vague, at best. He only made the connection because he was thinking about her too much lately. He saw no less than three girls that he thought were her the last time Seth dragged him to the mall. He had Marissa on the brain. Even though he understood that was all that it was, Ryan couldn't shake the similarities, no matter how hard he tried to ignore them.

When Belle began singing about how she wanted to get away after Gaston's failed proposal, the likeness to Marissa struck in full force. That was all she had wanted, too: to get away, to be free. Free of the lies, free of the scandals, free of all the stupid shit that Orange County had thrown at her, all of the drama. She was trying to get out when Volchek came out of nowhere and put an abrupt and final stop to her freedom.

Marissa would never have that now. She'd never escape. She'd never be free. She was stuck, forever, in the place that had caused her so much pain, in the place that killed her….

Ryan's vision blurred with tears as Belle sang out across a stunningly beautiful meadow. A choked sob bubbled up in his throat. He did his best to fight it down, but it wouldn't be ignored, not anymore. He'd been ignoring it for too long, keeping it in, letting it build until it had the strength to fight its way out. The tears exploded out of him, unbidden. He prayed that Seth wouldn't notice, but knew that was impossible.

"Ryan?" he asked softly. Seth placed a hand on Ryan's shoulder, slowly, gently, like Ryan was a skittish animal he didn't want to scare out of fear that it would scamper off. "Buddy? You okay?"

No, he wasn't **okay**. Ryan was spilling his grief out in halting pants and salty tears on Seth's bed while watching a stupid childish Disney cartoon. What about that was okay? What about that was strong? He couldn't say that though, he couldn't say anything, his body wouldn't even let him stop long enough to form words. Instead, Ryan pulled his knees to his chest and wrapped his arms around his folded legs, shuddering as he cried.

Without asking, without a word, Seth scooted closer on, wrapped his long, thin arms around Ryan's body and began rocking him back and forth. Ryan clutched frenziedly at Seth's wiry frame, never more thankful that he was there. They rocked together for a long time, Ryan sobbing while Seth whispered soft, kind words close to his ear.

Holding Seth did wonders to soothe Ryan's hurt. It felt just as good, just as right as it had all those years ago. Unlike last time, however, there was no mental comparison between him and Marissa. There was only Seth, Seth, and more Seth.

By the time Ryan fully calmed down, they were at the point where Belle was dressing the Beast's wounds after he saved her from the wolves. Though he was finished crying, Ryan wasn't quite ready to let go of Seth yet. Thankfully, Seth made no attempts to untangle himself from his friend's embrace. And so they continued to watch the movie in each other's arms. With Seth holding on to him, Ryan was finally able to sink into the story for a while.

It was nearing the end, Gaston having just plummeted to his death, and the Beast was dying himself. The character's halting breaths and his embrace with Belle, again, brought back images of Marissa, but this time he had Seth to protect him. It was a strange thought, but Ryan knew it was true, he felt it. With Seth holding on to him, he would be fine. Maybe he wouldn't always be able to get for this kind of support, in the physical sense anyway, but Ryan would take it while he could, and whatever else Seth wanted to give him.

Suddenly, Seth said somewhere over Ryan's head, "I'm glad it wasn't you."

Ryan looked up at him quizzically. Seth was still staring at the screen, but his eyes were slightly glassy. When he blinked, a tear rolled down his cheek. Seth turned his head to return Ryan's stare.

"As much as I'm sorry about Marissa," Seth said slowly, "I am so glad that we didn't – that **_I_** didn't – lose you that night."

After saying it, Seth's gaze returned to the film. Ryan's did not. Instead, he studied Seth's face, thinking about what he just said. Everything that had happened in the past month began to take on a new light: the way Seth was always hanging around him, talking with him, finding opportunities to pat him on the shoulder or give him a half-hug. Suddenly it didn't seem like it was about taking Ryan's mind off of the accident at all. Ryan was beginning to think that Seth was doing it simply because he wanted to be near him after such a close call.

His mind racing, Ryan's eyes darted between the television and Seth's face, wondering what to do with this. Was it possible that this idea was true? Did Seth care about him in some kind of more-than-a-friend way? Ryan had thought about it himself more than once, but Seth was always so much about Summer, even when he was with Alex, that he just ignored it, and moved on to Marissa and Theresa and Lindsay. He was probably wrong, and Seth had just meant it in a friend and brotherly way, not the sort of romantic way Ryan was thinking about. Except … Seth's arms remaining around him even after Ryan had stopped crying seemed to suggest otherwise. And was it his imagination, or had the other boy's grip tightened slightly after what he'd just said?

_There's only one way to find out,_ Ryan thought.

And so, as the rose's last petal fell on the screen, Ryan swallowed hard, took a deep breath, and leaned up to kiss Seth.

For a second, the other boy was too distracted by the scene in the movie to react. Then Ryan felt Seth's lips move against his own, accepting Ryan's advance and kissing him back. When Ryan pulled away, Seth was staring at him. To Ryan's relief, there was no anger or revulsion etched in his features like the first time he tried to kiss Eddie. There was only wide-eyed disbelief.

Before Seth could say anything, Ryan sunk back into his arms and watched the last few minutes of the movie. Seth pulled Ryan noticeably closer. Ryan smiled, a small one, but the first true smile he'd felt on his face in weeks. He didn't know what was going to happen after doing that, but he was glad he did.

As Belle and the newly human Beast waltzed around the ballroom to the delight of their friends and family, Seth bowed his head and whispered, "Wanna watch it again?"

Ryan nodded.

Yes. He did.

-end-


End file.
